Portfolio > Bloody Ejaculations

This art started as a was for me to connect to the grief in this pregnancy loss and process what was going on. Making art was just the next thing to do in the process, there was zero doubt. Not an act of "self-care" but more of a need or a drive to collect or preserve. It reminded me of making art through the death and grief of my dad in 2018. Both times gave me a sense of control in a time where it is very obvious that I had none. Also similar was the urge to collect, the Carrier Bag Theory manifested in real life. I would have probably framed it as hoarding, if you had asked me at the time but it feels more like a material archive that hasn't fully grown its final form in this body. I have to remind myself, it's a process.

It's a process to go through a miscarriage to which I under estimated it. I have heard through the lens of politics that some people get abortions as their form of birth control, so it can't be that hard, right? I have birthed before and I am not out of early pregnancy yet, so it can't be that hard, right? I grieve my dad who I knew for 27 years, so it can't be that hard, right? I already went through a rough miscarriage/abortion a few months ago, so I know what to do to stop it from going the same way; I refuse to pass my pregnancy in public while trying to get the medication from the CVS in Target at the Fig & 7th when they don't have access to public bathrooms because there aren't enough people there yet so the food court isn't open (where the only public bathrooms are) and the workers at the Gold's Gym won't let you use their bathrooms because the manager says that they will fire anyone who isn't a member from using the bathroom (even with blood visibly running down your legs) so you will have to walk to the Wendy's where you will be yelled at for taking too much time and doing unacceptable things in the bathroom while bleeding and pant-less.

So here we are: in the early future, looking back on this past that has passed. I continue to process the art, from digital to salt/silver and back to digital again, to make sense and nonsense for everyone and no one. I want to think it is over, and I am over them but that is also not how the process grief works. I still grow out my hair even though it gives me gender dysphoria and I get misgendered more. My hair weaves the record of my life when both of my miscarriage pregnancies together. My blood carries some part of my genetic children with me. My brain carry the memories of all my children on little electrical pulses.

In closing thoughts: abortions are not used for birth control, pads/tampons should be in all bathrooms (not just women's), and if there are people around, they need access to public bathrooms.

Artist Statement
June 24, 2024